Vulnerable

My mind is circling in a spiral
Going down and down
Faster and faster as I fall
I am looking around and watching myself drown in water
And my only problem is that I cannot speak
I cannot cry for help
I don't know where this hole came from that I fell into
I'm happy
Or I should be at least.
But I can't connect
I can't speak
I am living in a state of mind where I cannot share.

And that's why I'm here
Writing to you

Because I need to be vulnerable
I need to say what scares me
I need to talk about the messy, dirty parts of life.

The only thing I swim in is myself
The things I have failed to say
The questions I've failed to ask
 I am drowning in vulnerability because I can not be vulnerable

Go figures

So here it goes:
I am not who I thought I would be.
I am not who my parents thought I would be
And now I am stuck trying to decide if I should feel guilty or liberated by this fact.
I am creative
I draw and write and sing and make music
I am not an engineer and I never will be.
I like people but I am small.
My voice is small, my hips are small, my lips are small
I am small.

I spend most nights awake,
I am an insomniac.
And I hate that
Because 2 am seems like a romantic time
But it's only romantic if someone else is up with you
For me, 2 am is just plain lonely.
I struggle with this thing called loneliness quite a lot.
And I want to change that
I really do.
I am keeping secrets
From everyone.
I am keeping a secret from everyone I know
It's killing me. I want to just let it out
I just want the truth out
But I can't.
Why not?