Fighting For Tomorrow

And yea, I'm disappointed

I thought that I was better than this

I thought that I had gotten over this

Yea, I'm mad at myself for not being stronger

I'm mad that I am weak and showing it

But I've fought this before

I've beat this before.

This may be a difficult battle, but it'll help me win the war,

So I'm fighting for tomorrow

And praying for help through this

But I'm ok

I will be ok

Lead Me On

I kissed you.
And now you are nothing but another poem
You are another sheet of paper in my book
You are nothing but a story.
How does it feel?
I ended things without words and I would feel that it wasn't fair but no
Because you ended things a long time ago didn't you?
You didn't tell me.
You were never going to
I guess I should be mad
But I'm not.
I'm sad actually
Not sad about you but sad that I fell for it
And sad that you get satisfaction from that
I do hope that you feel stupid
As stupid as I felt for weeks
You thought that things were fine between us
And I let you think that for a little bit.
I wasn't a mean enough person to lead you on though
Even though you were the one leading me on
Even though you were the one who kissed me
I couldn't do it
So thank you.
You taught me not to trust people
Not to rush into things
You told me that that was the day of new experiences and I'll tell you what
I definitely learned from my experiences with you
So thanks, I hope that you feel stupid
Goodbye

Vulnerable

My mind is circling in a spiral
Going down and down
Faster and faster as I fall
I am looking around and watching myself drown in water
And my only problem is that I cannot speak
I cannot cry for help
I don't know where this hole came from that I fell into
I'm happy
Or I should be at least.
But I can't connect
I can't speak
I am living in a state of mind where I cannot share.

And that's why I'm here
Writing to you

Because I need to be vulnerable
I need to say what scares me
I need to talk about the messy, dirty parts of life.

The only thing I swim in is myself
The things I have failed to say
The questions I've failed to ask
 I am drowning in vulnerability because I can not be vulnerable

Go figures

So here it goes:
I am not who I thought I would be.
I am not who my parents thought I would be
And now I am stuck trying to decide if I should feel guilty or liberated by this fact.
I am creative
I draw and write and sing and make music
I am not an engineer and I never will be.
I like people but I am small.
My voice is small, my hips are small, my lips are small
I am small.

I spend most nights awake,
I am an insomniac.
And I hate that
Because 2 am seems like a romantic time
But it's only romantic if someone else is up with you
For me, 2 am is just plain lonely.
I struggle with this thing called loneliness quite a lot.
And I want to change that
I really do.
I am keeping secrets
From everyone.
I am keeping a secret from everyone I know
It's killing me. I want to just let it out
I just want the truth out
But I can't.
Why not?

One two three four

I declare this love a war

Five six seven eight

Try to stay still, nice and straight

Nine ten eleven twelve

The clock is ticking as I yell

Thirteen fourteen fifteen stop

That is my age and my hearts in knots

Fourteen thirteen twelve eleven

Take me back to my mind when I was seven

Ten nine eight seven six

The time of toys and pixie sticks

Five four three two

I'm so different now, what can I do?

We've come back to the number one

We're still fighting this war

That no one's won

 

What No One Ever Told Me

No one ever sat right down

And told me the facts of life

The things that we all learn all on our own

After they keep us up at night 

No one ever told me 

That love can come before I'm eighteen

And you don't have to kiss someone

To know that you love a being

No one ever told me 

That there's no real definition

For anything feeling in this world

Your idea's based on to who you listen

And I was never told

That its isn't always best

To be good at may things

It really makes you a pest

No one ever told me 

That its not a sin to be quiet

That something I taught myself

Despite the social riot

No one ever taught me

That parents can be wrong

That parents are only people

And in the mistake making column, they belong

No one ever told me 

That heartbreak was real

But I learned that one all by myself

As I forced myself to heal

No one ever told me

That sometimes doctors don't know

What in the world is wrong with you

And so they just tell you to go

I was never informed before

That its ok to fight

As long as you stand your ground 

And everyone ends up alright

The saddest thing I think there is

That no one ever said

Is that people grow and change with time

 And you'll find some past forms of them dead