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Headaches and white noise

Loud music draining out thoughts

Telling yourself that you're alright

As your stomach screams in knots

Thinking but not thinking

Disappointment hiding in the night

Praying to the God above

To take away your fright

Missing people who you still have

The ones who grew and changed

Questioning what is life

When your cards are rearranged

The feeling of too much happiness

That you know that it won't last

And that this is all you'll want back

Once it has passed

Sitting in your room alone

Contemplating if you're sad

Listening to music for just one reason

To remember all that you have

Hearing the sound of socialness 

Right outside your door

And wondering if you're doing fine

Or if you should be doing more

angry.

angry.

At her
for not letting me live
for breaking my heart before a boy ever could
for tearing me down
for making me feel small
for telling me what to do
and being wrong

angry.

At him
even though its not his fault
even though he's trying to make progress
even though he doesn't get it
even though he's doing his best
even though its harder for him than me
but he's still hurting me

angry.

At them
for not telling me
for letting me mess up so much
for making me the bad guy
for creating hell
for lying to me
and now I don't trust them

angry.

at me
because I'm angry
because I'm lying
because I'm scared
because I'm tired
because I'm missing home
but I don't know where home is

angry.

hurts

I thought that you were crazy

That you were angry going mad

I thought that I was doing right

While all I did was make you sad

I thought you were a simple rhyming pattern

One poem written down

I thought that you were just like me

When I saw my face in a frown

And at first I saw you normal

I saw a boy who knew the strings

Not someone who needed help

To be social with other beings

But then it all made sense

The repeats I knew of you

All the things that I'd picked up

All the stupid misguided ques

It hurt too much to see it

To realize how blind I'd been

It still hurts me every time

You show your progress wearing thin

You

You

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

It wasn't supposed to be you.

It wasn't supposed to be anyone actually.

I was supposed to be happy

And single

I was supposed to be the one that was confident and flirty

The one everyone wanted but no one had

I was supposed to find a group

Settle in

Go with friends on the weekends to the fair

To the movies, to the park

Just like everyone else

Not sit by my phone

Waiting for snapchat

Waiting for a text from you.

I wasn't supposed to be like that

I wasn't supposed to be that person.

I'm not going to be the type of person that needs someone to be happy

I'm not going to be the one that needs 

But I can't help it.

Because you make me feel like I have no choice

I look at you and I don't know what else to do

I am speechless

My mind is speechless.

I've spent hours upon hours upon days of my life

Looking for a solution to my mind

Looking for something that makes the constant noise in my head go silent

And somehow the only thing that makes my head shut up

Is you.

I look at you and things seem to make sense.

How?

Because this is not meant to be

You and I would never work out

You're you, 

You're confident and loud

You know everyone and everyone knows you

And I'm me

Quiet and awkward and slightly depressed

Living from interaction to interaction 

Clinging on to the things that no one cares about

This wasn't supposed to happen

Not after last time

Not after my heart broke in two because this very same idea

This wasn't in the plans. 

I wasn't supposed to want this

But you.

Looking at you feels like a child

Whose afraid of the dark

But sees the impending doom invite them in

And they know that they are scared but they just can't help it

So they walk into the darkness that they fear so much

And when I'm with you

I feel stupid.

I'm not used to that feeling, honestly

It scares me a little.

Everything about you does

But I can't help it

You.

Here's To The Strugglers

Here's to the strugglers

The ones who dare to change

The ones looking at something

And then widening the range

Here's to the insomniacs

The ones who never sleep

The people up at 3 am

And the ones who never slumber deep

Here's to the nightmare fighters

Waking up alone

Where the most fear stems from themselves

When sleeping in their home

Here's to the panic attack victims

The ones who shake and cry

Desperately holding onto something

Until the panic attack goes by

Here's to the depressed ones

The one that are really sick

Not the ones just "in a funk"

But the ones who need a walking stick

Here's to the lonely ones

Who are searching for a friend

The ones that are so lonely

And loneliness won't end

Here's to the ones

Fighting battles in their minds

Where the war is invisible

And they're stuck in its confines

Here's to the people

Who's bodies turned on themselves

And fighting drains so much of them

That they practically live on shelves

Here's to the ones

Who dread the social centre

The kids who hide in the restrooms

As soon as they enter

Here's to the people

With things they do not say

The people living with terrible things

That they wish would go away

Feeling Nothing

I don't know if my problem is letting go

Or finding something to cling onto 
 The only thing I can possibly think
Is to pray "What do I do?"