The Act of Feeling Special

She desperately sat in the classroom

She drew her heart out so she'd draw out the bored

She thought that by drawing she'd sketch out her life

Onto a sense of meaning to propel her life forward

She would draw so he could watch her

If she didn't, he'd still find a way

But she liked that he took interest in looking at her work

And tried to ignore him, trying to keep her smile away

It was the act of feeling special

It was the act of feeling a need

The need for him to watch what she did

And the act of watching him see what she conceived

She sat desperately in the classroom

Waiting for him to walk through the door

She pulled out the notebook and then got to work

And worked right till his eyes reached the floor

Fred Caffery

She asked me "What is that sign?"

"The Fred inside the C?"

And I told her in the best way that I could

"This is a better me"

You see my friend, this is a name

That releases the expectation

So I can write my true, pure thoughts

Without the hesitation

The detail on the inside

Now that declares my past

Reminding me of who I was

And not even the good will last

The big large C surrounding

Tells me what's still to see

That there is even more than I can imagine

About who I will be

 And when those two are put together

They become who I am now

Knowing my past and what is to come forward

But not knowing the how

So there it is 

That is my sign

My statement of my self

My impression of what comes next
And what I'm leaving on a shelf

His Voice

I heard his voice for the first time today

It has been seven months

The sound was so familiar

It was a sound that my head hunts

 I have heard his voice since then 

But this was honesty

This was him at his best

Him saying "this is me"

But this time his voice said this to everyone

It wasn't my message, but the crowd's

I wanted to smile and say welcome back

But all there was a simple frown

For a moment I forgot we weren't speaking

That he was no longer a part of my day

I forgot I wasn't supposed to know 

His tone of every thing he'd say

His voice was one I heard for hours

Speaking like that just to me

I guess he learned to love everyone now

Except for one girl in the people sea

His voice was so raw and jagged

But he spoke the words as if smooth

He knew who he was and what he could do 

And with that he was able to sooth

His voice lit a spark within me 

Until I remembered I had put that fire out

I missed the voice and where it came from

Even though I don't regret my choice, no doubt

His voice reminded me of a person

The person that I used to be

His voice was himself 

It was everything about him

Except for the part that was once for me 

The Calm

I don't know what to write about

And I guess that that is fine

For sometimes to lose yourself

You must also lose your mind

So I sit and let my mind drift on

With the wonders of the day

For I'm not quite sure if I'll again remember

My emotions in this array

It's the calm between the storms

It's the calm of a happy mind

The time of joy where the world can be taken on

And I'm aware that I am blind

My mind is a sea with a wave

Subtle and gentle it drifts

I ride the waves with the awareness

Of a scary and dooming cliff

But right now I am in the calm

The time for me to charge up

So I can take on the storm I am given

After this taunting build up

So I shall go back to drifting

Right now it's a peaceful place

I do not know what to write about

And I guess that truth I will have to face

Running Pains

I miss running

I miss the beating in my chest

I miss the constant pressure

To put my body to the test

I miss putting on my shoes

And running out every single stress

I miss the whipping of the wind

But now my body can do less

Every time I go to run

There's a pounding in my head

I may be able to ignore it while I run

But after I'm stuck for hours in bed

I miss the fact that three years ago

I could run whenever I please

But now if I want to go run

I'm tortured by a disease

So here's goodbye to the skill I lost

I write about it instead

And I keep the feeling of when I ran

As a memory in my head

Decide

There once was a girl

Torn between three

She was so lost in the confusion

She was too blind to see

One was a player

Who had fallen for the girl

He wanted her desperately

For to him she was a pearl

But the girl, she saw him

As someone who could not change

She saw him as a player

But loved him despite his range

One was a mystery

Who was too far off for her to know

That he loved her with the best intention

And he lacked in his show

But the girl, she saw him

As something she could never understand

She saw him as a mystery

But loved the firmness in his hand

One was a gamer

Who wanted her with every breath

He'd assumed that she loved him

And they would be in love till death

But the girl, she saw him

As only a friend she could dare

She saw him as a gamer

But loved that he was there

Like I said, she was blind

By the illusion of truth

Did she want to be a game player

Just a gamer or a sleuth?

Maybe I should let you decide

Maybe I should let you choose

For the girl is blinded by her mind

And there's so much left to lose

 If this choice ends up wrong

Will she come out of this crying 

Or singing a song?

Not My Best Poem

This is not my best poem

It's a way to complain

It's a migrainer's thoughts 

Of the once long lost pain

I keep writing and writing

How come I am stuck?

I keep trying to write 

But without any luck

Maybe I should sit 

And write for a whole day

But not read what I right

I bet then I'd be ok

The reason I struggle 

Is the writing is wrong

"That's not the idea 

I wanted to pass along"

I look at the poems and ask

"Was that me"

"Am I the same person who wrote what I see"

Sometimes I look back

And see how my brain made it fit

It's truly amazing

But that wasn't my intent

My head hurts and I'm writing

I can still write, that is great!

But maybe right now

I need to take a break

The words, they will flow

For all of my days

But this needs to end

So I can stop my headache

So this session is done

And I will go and rest

So I can start again tomorrow 

And give my poems my best

I Forgive

You kept texting as if you wanted me back

But it's ok, now I see

You did not ever want me in that way

You wanted to know if you had me

I see that I played your stupid game

I see you had me down 

I am no longer the girl who wants you

I am a girl far too big for this town

 So I want you to know

I forgive you

I'm sorry that you're so messed up to play that trick on me

You could see how lost I was

And you could not let it be

I hope that I helped you in the way that I could

 You needed something, I know 

I don't know what you got from that 

But the truth you don't have to show

I forgive you but I do not forget

I promise, they are not the same

Just in the way that we see our roles

In your messed up, twisted game

I'm sorry that you were in so much pain 

That you needed to use my path

As something you could carve into 

And leave to wash off what you did in the bath 

I am not angry that you used me

I am not sad just the same

I just wish that you wouldn't have needed to do that

I hope one day my forgiveness you'll claim